They say honestly is the best policy, so I’ll be honest.
I wish there was a way I could articulate what’s going on inside me, but the truth of the matter is no matter how much I try the only person that will truly get it, is God. It’s been three weeks since I followed God’s leading to leave my job, something I knew was always going to happen. But I figured my new chapter would commence with a new door opening, and as I walked through it, the door, behind which my job resided would close firmly behind me. Not So! The door behind which my job resided has closed firmly but the door ahead is still yet to appear. Some people applaud my decision, Some say they wish they had my faith, while others comment on previous steps of faith I’ve taken and share how my testimony has encouraged them. Me, I obey because I love Him
As I worked out my leave of notice, God was kind enough to share two things with me.
One – you want to leave your job and you want things to happen so you can leave. But in order for those things to happen, you are going to have to leave.
Two – You may think I’m being harsh doing it this way, but it’s the only way to cultivate what is inside you.
Since leaving my job there have been a few disappointing moments, followed by more disappointing moments and no clear direction. To begin with my heart was heavy, and motivation was tough, but I didn’t give in the the debilitating emotions that sought to drag me down. During the first ten days the only time my heart was free of the heaviness was when I was crying out to my Father in heaven telling Him how much I trusted Him and believed in Him. Physically and emotionally it’s an unsettling place to be. It is physically challenging. Emotionally draining and spiritually strengthening.
In this short time, the blessings I’ve witnessed have been so small, if you blinked you would miss them. Yet they have held so much weight in my praise and gratitude towards God. I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve cried or how many disappointments I’ve faced. But I can tell you not one tear was wasted on regret, but tears of thanksgiving knowing full well that as each door slams hard in my face, I have absolutely no idea how things will plan out from one moment to the next. Yet my heart smiles as my flesh aches and the peace that surpasses all understanding and the comfort of the Holy Spirit leads the way.
It never occurred to me to insult God by asking Him if I heard right or had I made a mistake, because I know I heard perfectly well. But that did not stop my stomach being tied up in knots or the logical explanations of my situation that fought to be heard. With each emotional wave I find myself crying out to God in praise expressing how much I trust Him as appose to questioning Him. I’m in a place where nothing makes sense, which is hardly surprising when faith is involved, but I still have to dig deep. I live alone, so other than God there is no one around to converse with, no one to assist in the daily motivation process, no one to help with my expenses of daily living. There is no one to help put food on the table, no one to offer a shoulder to cry on and no one to join me in prayer. When I awake in the morning I’m greeted by silence, as I go about my daily duties, silence, and when I lay my head to rest, more silence. I push against the heaviness within that wants to take me down and fight by declaring with a joyous smile and flowing tears “Father I don’t understand but I trust you”.
You see there comes a time in our Christian walk when we need to decide do we trust God or not? I doubt the Christians who are being persecuted for their faith spent time being double-minded as to whether they trust God or not! If they are brave enough to stand their ground in the face of death, what argument can we offer for our lack of faith in God? I’m not referring to faith in God to preform what we deem a miracle. You know the prayer you pray when you need a specific thing and God providing it is what we label a miracle. No I’m talking about faith in God that causes us to trust Him to be whatever He feels He needs to be in our situation. To answer our prayer, His way. To come to our rescue, His way. There is so much more to God that the provision of our next meal, pay check, healing etc…
The realisation of the amount faith I had in the provision and security my part time job provided was exposed when I was challenged to transfer that faith to my dependency in God. I found myself answering questions like “how are you going to survive and what happens now?” with “Father I trust you.” When disappointment of poor books sales was delivered with the accusing headline “I told you nothing would come of it.” I found myself cutting the accusation’s mid flow with the declaration “Father I trust you.” When the fridge was bear of basic commodities, and that voice reminded me of all the food I walked away from in leaving my job. I found myself singing as I prepared a meal with the little I had and was grateful. And when my sister blessed me with some smoked salmon, I cried like a baby as I gave God thanks for the small blessing that had I blinked I would have missed. This road I’m on is challenging, but I wouldn’t change it for the world because each day I grow more and more dependent on God who can do more than I can think or imagine, and whilst doing so I’m learning that trusting God in His playing field ain’t for wimps! I wish I could find the words to express how overjoyed my inner man feels walking in blind faith. How content my inner being is, in not knowing what lies around the corner.
Recently God told me that I would have to trust Him with a blank canvas. A mind that was completely empty because whatever I allowed myself to think would instantly limit His capabilities. So that’s what I’m training myself to do, live one day at a time without thinking about how God does what only God can do, because the minute I start to imagine, there and then I’ve put Him in box. I’m doing everything I know to do, with what I’ve got, whilst looking to Him because I know at any moment He can make an appearance and change the flow of things. I may not know His plan but I know He has one, so I won’t allow myself to set my plans in stone. I’m pushing against the grain and fighting the temptation to crumble beneath the stresses of the flesh and though emotions try to run high, there is an undercurrent of peace that I hovers in the background.
I’ve obeyed God’s request of me, so now I’m in His playground of faith, and in His playground of faith there is no room for an unstable double minded mind. Truth be told when I look at myself and the way I’m handling my present situation, I don’t recognise myself. And I know with confidence, that can only be God, and that in itself is so much to be thankful and grateful for. My praise keeps me focused. When things get rough or I feel my mind attacking me I praise and thank Him for bringing me to the place I presently reside, a place of living by faith.
I write this blog post to encourage those of you who are limiting God with what we call steps of faith, and urge you to obey Him when He speaks, in particular when it involves walking into the unknown. Please share this with someone you KNOW will benefit from it.
If you are in a position where you know God is leading you in a particular area by blind faith please share your thoughts and encourage other who will read this.